I know, the first thing that might Spring to mind (don’t mind the pun, given the title), is that fact I am writing this as warmer temperatures start to creep in, the sun is setting a little later, and in some places there may be buds at the ends of branches or crocus blooming in the corner of yards. While that is completely relevant, as Spring is in mind as I sit here typing this, I’m not just reflecting on the season itself.
I’m also contemplating an internal Spring, a cycle coming to bloom in my own life – and my own perspective.
And this is happening in a few aspects of life.
The first is referring to a previous blog post published quite some time ago, about returning to a childhood passion of creativity and artistic pursuits. I had to pause that as I started up college last autumn and was overwhelmed by the second area, university. The latter had me reeling somewhat with being physically on a campus having to people in closed in spaces like classrooms, with deadlines and assignments (so much reading and writing), commuting 25-30 minutes one way and then the other (so over an hour a day just going and coming from school a few days a week), all while also trying to work a part time job and handle other daily life stuff.
It may not seem like much, but for someone who is barely managing complex PTSD, and neurodivergence while being burnt out from decades of masking, and struggling to extract themself from toxic family enmeshment… the plate was already full going into this.
I’m just now, in the last few weeks, finding some semblance of routine and a sense of equilibrium in a coursework and art practice. How long I’ll be able to maintain that in my current environments, I can’t even begin to guess. But regardless, I am doing my best. With as much grace and compassion as I can muster at this point in my journey, that’s all I can really hope for right now. My best, given any circumstance. And my best at this very moment includes 20 minutes of gesture drawing practice, submitting a close reading analysis essay, slowly working my way through a discussion post for another class, and starting the process of writing mid term essay papers all due next week before “spring break”. Which I don’t really expect to BE much of a break to begin with, considering where and with whom I live.
But rather than mope about what I cannot yet change, I am depriving my focus and attention from that sh*t sandwich. That means spending my time at a local cafe with wifi to write blogs, craft podcast episodes I am recording during the break, methodically making my way through assignments with the aid of Notion to keep me sane, and practicing my drawing skills once again in between. I am consciously choosing to focus my energy towards what I can do.
And yes, it does take all of my energy to do just that, and basic self-care.
However, with the turning of the season out in the world, I can sense some things beginning to germinate within.
I can sense opportunities on the horizon, possibly a summer internship in alignment with creative developments or my English major. I can sense the possibilities of cultivating more freedom with the warmer weather, to get out of the house and away from certain people more. I can see my coastal communities down here in southern Rhode Island starting to wake up and breathe in life again. I can sense the anticipation of summer break and the final academic year approaching at a steady pace. I can almost taste the commencement coming a year from now, getting closer. I can feel the longing to finally fill out and submit the Intent to Graduate form. I can feel my capacity for creativity gaining momentum. I can see my art starting to infuse my days with inspiration and hope again. I can plan for things to look forward to in the coming months.
I am working to cultivate creative income streams towards financial freedom, develop portfolios for my work in art and writing, and I’m getting back into consistent physical movement. Particularly longer walks around campus, my neighborhood, local trails, and along the sea wall again.
That last one is doing wonders from my mental health. Being stagnant physically for long periods was translating to mental stagnation. I was struggling with the inability to focus for more than an hour at a time, feeling very much like I was going no where and making no tangible progress in the second half of February. To say I was feeling stuck was a bit of an understatement. It was driving me f*cking nuts.
All because I just wasn’t moving around as much – mostly due to too many long reading assignments and than having to sit down and plan, then write multiple 3-4 pages essays or long discussion posts (online forums she calls them) on a weekly basis. I know I can’t honestly complain; I chose to return to college of my own volition AND chose to switch to an English Lit major.
However, I am allowed to feel annoyed during the process.
I’m human.
Now that that weather is turning I can feel myself becoming more restless. Almost antsy. Needing to stand and move around more – not wanting to sit down and ‘work’ on anything sustainably for more than 2 hours at a time. Can’t claim to be surprised by that, though. I have been forcing myself to be consistent and focused for months at a time since September. I can say with utter conviction that I am looking forward to a whole week of NO assignments, and just creative play. Which I’m hoping will make the rest of March and April more tolerable.
Thankfully, April 29th is the official last day of classes. My courses, however, end the week before as they meet on Tuesdays & Thursdays. So, I will be submitting most of my final papers on the 29th, and one on the following Wednesday, May 1st. It’s hard not to feel even more restless, watching the calendar creep toward the end of April!
The only thing currently dampening my mood in regards to academia is dealing with my soon-to-be-ex advisor, who has repeatedly given the distinct impression that he just can’t be bothered to deal with me. Which is disheartening, as someone who already struggles to admit when I AM struggling and needing to ask for help. I truly have only reached out to him twice. Once to change my major and again to ask about the removal of the OLD major, which he flippantly disregarded me and proceeded to NOT do. I have no intention of double majoring, so that will need to be addressed by someone more capable. Now I’m contemplating formally requesting to transfer to the other female advisor for my senior year, speaking only with her and the department chair whenever I have an issue. I was especially annoyed with this man’s dismissive and unhelpful response when I asked about the procedure around formulating, formatting, and registering for an independent study project for next fall as class registration begins at the end of March. Rather than dancing around with him in a verbal sparring match as if this is still high school, efforting at getting him to take me seriously, I have opted to give him a concise and polite, corporate-speak FU and went directly to the department chair.
My internal spring blooming through a metric eff ton of inner work over the last few years has made my patience for this sort of juvenile BS all but nonexistent.
Why some grown man-children feel need to behave in such a manner in a position of authority will never make sense to me. I no longer feel the need to wade through that crap. I have been through enough of that, and have had my fill for several lifetimes over.
Enough is enough.
Be professional and respectful, or step down. Don’t make things hard for others. Especially if one has “Advisor” attached to their job title. Be a responsible and supportive advisor, or don’t be one at all. It really is THAT simple.
So, hopefully, between a new Advisor and working directly with the department chair to find a faculty member who is a good fit for my independent study next semester, that minor thorn in my academic experience will be resolved and we can all move forward. I would love for my last academic year in the American school system to be somewhat enjoyable or mostly positive experience. Or at the very least, not add to my distaste for the whole damn thing. I’ve already made the decision to NOT go any further in my education within the States. If I do decide at any point to pursue any postgraduate study, it will be in Europe. I’ve had all I can take of the American school system, including the “higher education” variety.
Rather than make any more allowances for mediocre education, or any more chances to be even more disappointed and discouraged, I’ll end my experience here at URI with a Bachelor’s degree. I will leave it at that and make my peace with it.
Perhaps, that is a Spring in itself. One final ‘season’ here after this semester and then off I go, to different pastures and maybe even a whole new continent.
That will be for another Spring soon to come.