Ever heard the expression, “Don’t bite off more than you can chew”?
My grandmother (who practically raised me full time with my grandfather until I was an adult) was infamous for doling out little expressions like that all the time. It took me a while to comprehend what she was attempting to teach me, and even longer to put the concept into practice. Especially, considering I have this habit of diving head first into something; relationships, projects, new hobbies, the entire experience of finishing my Bachelor’s degree at the University of Rhode Island…. and not contemplating how to wade in, test the waters, and forge ahead in a more sustainable way for the long-term.
It took me until my late 20s to discern the lead balloons (duds and complete time/energy wasters) from the people, projects and goals worth pursuing. At this point on the arduous journey that has been this life so far, I have altogether dropped the idea of pursuing people, and now keep my finite focus and energy reserves for my projects and goals. Including myself.
Definitely myself.
Balancing Act
Which brings me to the present: spring semester.
This semester I made the executive decision to only enroll in 12 credits. It’s full time, but not cramming my semester with more than I can handle. Anyone who has done so for themselves, knows that Humanities majors are rather labor intensive in the copious amount of reading and writing to be done on a weekly basis. Plus, dealing with the burn out from a long pandemic, being ill several times over the last two years, helping my sister raise a toddler from infancy, working jobs and on side projects and full time college.
*deep breathe*
It’s been a lot. Actually, I’ll be raw: it has been way too f*cking much for me.
Coming to this difficult-to-swallow conclusion has been the point from which 2024 goals and intentions now hinge. A place of stronger boundaries, insight into my habits and the paradigms or beliefs that operate behind them, and stepping back from who I have been heavily conditioned to be around family. Which was uncomfortable at first, but with some tact and a lot of tough love, and massive amount of grace for myself as I recover from toxic family enmeshment and parentification, things are steadily improving.
It’s quite apparent to me that being outside of the home and away from the influences that have kept me locked in old ways have genuinely allowed from this level of transformation and growth. I am here for it, every step of the journey. Every nerve-wracking, fragile step as my confidence builds.
So, now I do much less family-oriented stuff every. damn. day. 24/7/365. and now have my focus balanced between physical & mental health, college coursework, and income streams that will help me quietly attain financial freedom. Ultimately, building the resources to free myself permanently by the summer of graduation.
I suppose one could say this year is a foundation building year on which I construct the means to launch my future.
Better late, than never at all.
Healing the Burn Out
Obviously, I can’t just “rest” and then jump right back into the grind, with the expectation of not achieving burn out levels again. Typically, at an even faster rate than it took to get to it initially. In order to truly heal from burn out, fundamental changes to daily life need to be made.
That means if, when and how I show up for family moving forward had to change. How I show up for the rest of my undergraduate degree needed adjustments. What I focus on for income generation needed to be reviewed with a critical eye. Better time management tools and systems were needed, and stress management was top priority. Sleep hygiene is paramount, and scheduling rest was harder than I thought.
I mean, real rest.
Like naps. Going for walks in the woods away from civilization. Reading a book for pleasure and not study. Doing yoga or somatic stretches. Hanging out on the patio with a cup of tea and listening to the neighborhood.
NOT being in front of my laptop or doom scrolling on social media.
No phone, no TV, no tablet, no laptop. Technology free presence. Being a human B E I N G, not a human D O I N G.
Such a difficult thing to practice after…. how many years of carrying around cell phones everywhere and always being connected or plugged into something, needing to be turned on or tuned in to something or someone? Frankly, it’s exhausting. The state of constant consumption of content from everyone and everywhere all the time and having to keep up with every ridiculous trend and people I don’t even know was distracting, sapping my own creativity, and destroying mental health.
Cringe factor to 100%.
Back Into Focus
Long-story, short version: my priorities have dwindled considerably, and many things I once placed importance on have since been down graded to a “if it happens, cool… if not, it is what it is”. As long as I have my health, community beyond family, creative outlets, financial stability to some degree and a sense of purpose that does not stem from acceptance from others or external validation – I really couldn’t be bothered to give a flying fart in space beyond that. As a once idealistic adolescent who wanted to change the world, I have instead decided to heal myself and focus on the doable and sustainable.
I know there are so many things happening in a world literally on fire, and whole societies in utter chaos but…. there has always been war, always been drought and wild fires, always been crime, always been misfortune, always been disease and plague, always been injustice, always been chaos since the dawn of civilization. It’s incredibly unrealistic for me to even dream of achieving a society free of such things in my life time. To bring such paradigms to life would take collective attunement and concerted efforts globally for generations. However much I would love to witness such a beautiful existence here on Earth, I know that is not why I have incarnated. Unfortunately, that is not my purpose, and that is not something I feel called to pursue at this time.
I don’t need anyone to understand that, accept that or even like it.
The only thing I have any legitimate influence on in my own backyard. The places I frequent, the people I interact with every day, the spaces I maintain, the economy I participate in, etc. I have absolutely no control over what happens anywhere beyond that finite reach, and I have come to terms with that limitation.
And have granted myself grace for not being a social justice warrior, or even wanting to be one like I once was over a decade ago.
Quite naively, I would like to admit.
On that note, perhaps in the not too distant future, my writing and art may have a larger impact than merely friends, family, classmates, or acquaintances in my town. Is that something that motivates me? Nope. Would it be a nice cherry on top of everything I seek to accomplish?
Absolutely.
For now, though, I refuse to shoulder the burdens of others and seek to manage my own one day at a time.