It’s been a hot minute.
Many new things have developed since my last post in June. So much so that I find myself struggling a little to collect my thoughts and find a place to start.
The first thing that comes to mind is a major shift in my trajectory.
To make a very long and arduous story much shorter: I gave up my previous plans and life path for all the wrong reasons; namely people. Mostly, a particular person who was not invested in me as their first choice or our collective future together. In other words, a situationship that dragged on long after it should have, way beyond what was healthy. In other words, I was waist deep in limerence and couldn’t even recognize that fact. Looking back, I certainly did learn much about myself, and about what I want in a romantic relationship or intimate partnership. What I’m willing to tolerate or accept from friends, family, and a life partner. What I went through certainly isn’t “it” for me. I walked away from that whole situation, coming to the realization that everything had been built on the intangible smoke of secrets, masks, and fundamental lifestyle and personality incompatibility. Incompatibility of needs, wants, values, dreams… possibly even life trajectories. It was what it was, and now it was time to move on. No amount of waiting, patience, sacrifice, unconditional love or understanding was going to change anything for the better. A whole decade had passed in the same monotonous fashion as irrefutable proof.
On that note, my original plans centered around the study of Anthropology, Archaeology, the intersection and overlap with Ancient History, historical preservation, and cultural conservation. Somehow woven into that would be places and projects for creative expression and artistic mastery. And I made the regrettable mistake of allowing myself to be pulled away from living in the present and accomplishing so much more were I was, a complete 180 degree flip from all that happened instead.
That led to a decade long bout of deep depression I hadn’t realized I was submerged in, not until I pressed pause and had the courage to look back at my 20s as I was entering my 30s. Then took a hard look at my present at that time, now two year ago. And then turned to the future I saw stretching out before me. I didn’t like what I saw. The depression had been so consuming, to the point all of my previous beloved hobbies like reading, dancing, horseback riding and art had drained away completely. I didn’t even have any friends and I rarely went out to do anything beyond errands. My life felt so empty, meaningless and unfulfilling. The thought of continuing on that path indefinitely gave me a massive panic attack.
Purposeless.
Everything had literally come to revolve around toxic family enmeshment and that one man’s needs, feelings, and a lifestyle at complete odds with what I had wanted for myself. My life was dominated and dictate by everyone else but myself. And no one even noticed, until I finally took the wheel and slammed on the breaks.
Goodness, that probably gave everyone whiplash, but I’m glad I’m finally back in my own damn lane.
I also realized that my war with higher education was stemming from a place of lack and scarcity, unhealthy conditioning, unresolved PTSD, insecurities that needed to be addressed, a late diagnosis of neurodivergence that needed to be acknowledged and managed better, and the wrong motivation. The past 2 years have been focused on resolution, integration, and coming back to myself. Engaging in my old hobbies (and new ones), returning towards the path of my original goals and dreams, and spending more time by myself in my own presence.
And finding my Why again.
I wanted to study Anthropology because humanity genuinely baffled me. I wanted to study Ancient History because it fascinated me. A part of me could recognize that reconciling the past by assimilating a living, vibrant history could draw out wisdom from those that have lived before and we could build upon what came before in better ways. I could see that the integration of the past was necessary to heal the present for a better future. I realized that subconsciously I had been playing a long game all along. A bigger game than most people had the vision or patience to see. But I also realized that I needed to balance all that with my creative expression that was snuffed out too early in life. So… the Anthropology & History major has been swapped (more to come on the later).
I needed to find ways to enjoy the process of learning again, for the sake of learning, and preparing myself for what was to come after the degree.
I’ve come to realize that my calling was likely to be a bit of a lonely one, and I think I part of me feared the lack of intimate companionship. Hence, how I was able to get so sidetracked for so long and in so many ways. Maybe it was bad timing, maybe its the wrong life (maybe we’ll cross paths in the next one), maybe it had been a pipe dream or an infatuation that was never meant to be something more (aka Limerence).
I may never know for sure. And with two years of radio silence and a distinct absence… the situation speaks for itself.
But, I’ve had plenty of time to grieve – what a long and lonely process it was, too. Plenty of time to see the situationship for what it was, and more grief to process in that. Time to wish them the best and make my peace with how the whole thing never came to fruition. However heartbreaking and unfulfilling it turned out.
Time to transmute pain into power, wisdom and momentum. Time to shift gears and change terrain.
It’s turning out to be incredible journey. I can breathe again. I can focus better.
I smile for no reason sometimes, which rarely happened in the last few years.
It’s giving me hope that it’s not too late to change everything for the better and live the life I’ve wanted for a long time.
It’s vibrating my whole body with potential energy screaming for an outlet.
I’m slowly coming alive again. Every cell that fell asleep is waking up.
So, what’s actually going on this year?
I’ve started working a part time job a few days a week. Not for long-term, just for the spring semester now, perhaps the summer. We’ll see how that goes before I commit to the 2024-2025 academic year. I am in the midst of starting content creation part time as well, with blogging again and working on a podcast series. Perhaps, over the summer I’ll consider taking a paid internship related to my major while I devote more time towards content creation until I graduate. It’s just to get an income going to shift my financial situation to something more stable, while I get the content creation off the ground as I finish my undergraduate degree.
I did briefly consider a graduate degree and possible places to pursue it, but I’ve come to the conclusion that just a Bachelor’s degree would be enough for now. There’s something interesting germinating under it all and I’m going to see what flowers by the time I graduate. I’ll see where the winds take me and trust the Universe in wherever I land.
That being said, don’t think for a minute my independent art study is going on the back burner. No, I will still find the time and space to incorporate that. I need that for my sanity, for my healing, for a sense of purpose and expression. However, I am settling into drawing, watercolor and printmaking in my artistic pursuits.
For now, much of my time goes toward my part time job, enjoying the rest of my summer, engaging in my hobbies and art, and finishing the preparation for the fall semester.
Hopefully, though, I’ll have more to post now between weekly blogs and vlogs to come!