It’s been a hot minute.
Many new things have developed since my last post in June. So much so that I find myself struggling a little to collect my thoughts and find a place to start.
The first thing that comes to mind is a major shift in my trajectory.
To make a very long and arduous story much shorter: I gave up my previous plans and life path for all the wrong reasons: namely a person. A person who was not invested in me as their first choice or our collective future together. In other words, a situationship that dragged on long after it should have, way beyond what was healthy. Looking back, I certainly did learn much about myself, and about what I want in close or intimate relationships. What I’m willing to tolerate or accept from friends, family, and a life partner. What I went through certainly isn’t “it” for me. I walked away and decided everything had been built on the intangible smoke of secrets, masks, and incompatibility. Incompatibility of personality, needs, wants, values, dreams… even destinies. It was what it was, and now it was time to move on. No amount of waiting, patience, sacrifice, love or understanding was going to change anything for the better.
On that note, my original plans centered around the study of Anthropology, Archaeology, the intersection and overlap with Ancient History, historical preservation, and cultural conservation. Somehow woven into that would be places and projects for creative expression and artistic mastery. And I made the regrettable mistake of allowing myself to be pulled in the wrong direction, a complete 180 degree flip from all that!
That led to a decade long bout of deep depression I hadn’t realized I was submerged in, not until I pressed pause and had the courage to look back. Then look around at my present. And then turn to the future. I didn’t like what I saw. The depression had been so consuming, to the point all of my previous beloved hobbies like reading, dancing, horseback riding and art had drained away completely. I didn’t even have any friends and I rarely went out to do anything beyond errands. My life felt so empty, meaningless and unfulfilling.
Everything had literally come to revolve around toxic family enmeshment and that one man’s needs and lifestyle. My life was dominated and dictate by everyone else but myself. And no one even noticed, until I finally took the wheel and slammed on the breaks.
Goodness, but I’m glad that’s over. I’m finally back in my own damn lane.
I also realized that my war with higher education was stemming from a place of lack, unhealthy conditioning, unresolved PTSD, insecurities that needed to be addressed, neurodivergence that needed to be acknowledged and managed better, and the wrong reasons or motivation. The past 2 years have been focused on resolution, integration, and coming back to myself. Engaging in my old hobbies (and new ones), returning towards the path of my original goals and dreams, and spending more time by myself in my own presence.
And finding my Why again.
I wanted to study Anthropology because humanity genuinely baffled me. I wanted to study Ancient History because it fascinated me. A part of me could recognize that reconciling the past by assimilating a living, vibrant history could draw out wisdom from those that have lived before and we could build upon what came before in better ways. I could see that the integration of the past was necessary to heal the present for a better future. I realized that subconsciously I had been playing a long game all along. A bigger game than most people had the vision or patience to see.
I needed to find ways to enjoy the process of learning again, for the sake of learning, and preparing myself for what was to come after the degree.
I’ve come to realize that my original path was likely to be a bit of a lonely one, and I think I part of me feared the lack of intimate companionship. Hence, how I was able to get so sidetracked by one person who was opposite all of that and everything I stood for in so many ways. Maybe it was bad timing, maybe its the wrong life (maybe its the next one), maybe it had been a pipe dream or an infatuation that was never meant to be something more.
I may never know for sure.
But, I’ve had plenty of time to grieve. Time to see the situationship for what it was. Time to wish him the best and make my peace with how things turned out. However heartbreaking and unfulfilling it was.
Time to transmute pain into power, wisdom and momentum. Time to shift gears and change terrain.
It’s turning out to be incredible. Exciting even.
It’s taking my breathe away.
It’s making me smile for no reason.
It’s giving me hope.
It’s vibrating my whole body with potential energy screaming for an outlet.
I’m coming alive again. Every cell that fell asleep is waking up.
So, what’s actually been going on this year?
I’ve started working a part time job in the evenings. Not for long-term, just for the 2023-2024 academic year. I plan to start content creation part time as well, with blogging again. And some vlogging in the queue. Next summer I’ll be taking a paid internship related to my major while I swap that evening job for more time towards content creation instead. It’s just to get an income going to get the content creation off the ground and moving towards into an income stream I can support myself with as I finish my degree.
Beyond that my focus is to get deeper into my life mission.
During the day, I’ll be at the University of Rhode Island studying Anthropology full time. Just the Bachelor of Arts, with no plans (currently) for any post graduate study.
I did briefly consider a graduate degree and possible places to pursue it, but I’ve come to the conclusion that just a Bachelor’s degree would be enough for now. There’s something interesting germinating under it all and I’m going to see what flowers by the time I graduate. I’ll see where the winds take me and trust the Universe in wherever I land.
That being said, don’t think for a minute my independent art study is going on the back burner. No, I will still find the time and space to incorporate that. I need that for my sanity, for my healing, for a sense of purpose and expression. However, I am settling into drawing, watercolor and printmaking in my artistic pursuits.
For now, much of my time goes toward my part time job, enjoying the rest of my summer, engaging in my hobbies and art, and finishing the preparation for the fall semester.
Hopefully, though, I’ll have more to post now between weekly blogs and vlogs to come!